Letters to Kurt
by Blackness
Summary: Blaine writes Kurt a letter each month and posts it to New York. He keeps Kurt updated on what is happening in his life. Kurt never replies to any of these letters and for all Blaine knows Kurt could have thrown them away. But Blaine keeps writing until he graduates in the hope that maybe some day, Kurt will forgive him and get in contact with him.
1. Chapter 1

20th October 2012

Dear Kurt,

I screwed up. I know that. I really messed everything up and lost the best thing in my life. My life has taken a downward spiral recently and I am to blame, I know it. If I am honest Kurt I may be able to move on from this, but I doubt I will ever be able to forgive myself for all the heart break I caused you. Why did I do it, I hear you ask. I did because I was lonely Kurt, I was so lonely and so low. See I crave attention, I always have. Its one of the reasons I love performing and why I was so set on getting to be a lead soloist in New Directions. I used to get my fill from applause, then you came along, you with your problems and suddenly I had another reason to feel happy and loved. I didn't have to constantly perform to get your attention. You gave me that attention and love, I so craved. You've met my parents Kurt. I often wonder how I am capable of having so much love in me, and being so tactile when my parents can barely stand to be in the same room with me let alone touch me. Then you left, I am so very proud of you Kurt and I am proud of myself for giving you that little push you needed to pursue your dreams away from Ohio. I also hadn't realised how empty I'd be when you left.

I threw myself into performing, hoping to get the high and the attention and be satisfied. But you know what I realised. People will clap for you. People will cheer for you. They'll clasp your hand, maybe give you a brief hug but no one will hold you. That's the new drug I crave. To be held and made to feel wanted. You did that to me Kurt when you were here, and at first you also gave me that in our first month of being away. But then you got busy with work, and then all the confusion, and suddenly when I needed the love and support and the hugs. No one was there. I just needed that attention, I needed to feel wanted, that's why I went to see Eli. I just wanted to be held and made to feel special again. Ironic really the one thing I thought would make me feel special, cost me the most special person in the world and he will never hold me that way again. We never had sex, I couldn't do that to you. I hooked up, I kissed him. His hands started to roam my body, and all the time it felt so wrong. I stopped it before sex. I thought it would feel the same, but honestly it made me feel sick to my stomach. I got home and threw up literally. It's no excuse for what I did to you, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, because you are the love of my life, Kurt. That will never change.

I'm seeing a therapist at the moment, did you know? The joys. After what I did, I knew something was wrong with me, I sent myself to the doctors and guess what, I have been diagnosed with depression. I am now a happy pill popper. Oh joy. I know these will take a while to work, I guess I just have to wait till then and continue counselling. I am not saying this to get at you or earn your sympathy in case you are wondering, I am merely telling you about my life. You were always my best friend Kurt and maybe one day, we can be friends again even if I can't have anything else.

So I am writing this to you, You can read it, throw it away, burn it, destroy it, hell even do Voodoo with it if you want to but I will continue writing, and hope that one day, you will forgive me even if our life together was so short together.

Love you always,

Blaine


	2. Chapter 2

Just to let you guys know, there are spoilers in this and what happens in a few of the November episodes from spoilers available online have been included in the story. The whole thing with Blaine's parents is FICTION as far as I know. I own nothing. Thanks for reading guys.

Helen

* * *

November 2012

Hey Kurt,

So I am guessing my letter either got lost in the post, you threw it away before you read it, you've read it and are now torturing me or it's laying under your bed, unopened. I am going with the final option. To be honest it's what I hope. After you pretty much ignored me last time you were at Lima, I thought I would try again.

So what has this month brought for me? Well you saw us all do Grease. I was the teen angel, I didn't have the energy to be Danny though that was the part I auditioned for. I stole a lead last year, it would have been unfair to do it again this year. To be honest Artie did me a favour I have so much to do as student president and all my additional classes and clubs. I don't regret the role I was given. I had hoped Sam would get it, though he was good as Kineke. Sam is amazing by the way, and I can understand why you had him as a friend. We did a canned food drive the other week. Sam has told me to stop wallowing in self pity and help people who need help. His right Kurt. He is so right. I mean I have a home, with my aunt, 3 meals a day, a warm bed, the basics. Some of these people have nothing. I want to give back Kurt.

I don't live with my parents anymore. I'm not even sure how it happened really, all I know is that I was on my way to my Aunts with a bruised chest and gash on the side of head. Apparently I tripped according to Dad, I don't know, maybe my clumsiness was too much for my parents to handle. I've been clumsy for the last few months, actually since you left or maybe for some reason I don't want to remember it, its like blank. It only generally happens at home though. Mum and Dad go away a lot, maybe they left me with my aunt as they didn't trust me not to hurt myself. I don't know. All I know is that I am happier now I live with my aunt. I am still attending counselling, but the world looks brighter. It would be even brighter with you in it, but you are not talking to me. Not that I blame you. I told my aunt what I did to you. She hugged me. She made me promise to never do it again and never give up on true love. If two people are meant to be together, they will be together eventually. So I hold onto that hope.

Why I still don't forgive myself for what I did to you, I am starting to feel more like 'Blaine' again. He disappeared for a few months and now he is slowly coming back again. The canned food drive for example. Letting the audition drop for Danny. Giving away solo's during Glee. I was so selfish and so self involved. I still am sometimes, but when I get like that Sam and my Aunt remind me of what I have lost and I try to make myself Blaine again.

Anyway I am going to dash, I need to finish my homework. I have taken up freshman Psychology which is really interesting. I will tell you more when I get a chance. Oh and we had to say what we were thankful for in Glee today. I said I was thankful for the happy memories I shared with my best friend and how no matter what had happened they would never be taken from me. (That's you by the way)

Love always Kurt,

Blaine

New York: Kurt received the letter and put it in the same place as the others. Unopened. Untouched. He hadn't even wanted to think about forgiving Blaine yet. Let alone talk to him.

* * *

This may seem a little out of character for Blaine at times, but from what I know about depression, when you realise you need the help, you are almost child like and shy and then you re-build your personality slowly. I don't think Blaine has been brought up to respect his parents so has a hard time getting his head around what happens at home.


	3. Chapter 3

This is the longest Chapter yet but I thought Blaine would have a lot to write about. I want people to know right now that I am not saying Blaine cheating was OK, but I do believe people do things for strange reasons and things aren't always clear at the time. If I am honest thinking about it now, while I hate the way it was done, I am hoping for the break as Blaine has never really just been Blaine. I don't think his ever really known who he is, despite his cool exterior at the beginning and some time alone is just what he needs. Also they both need to grow up, people say Blaine acts like the kid, but I think Kurt still saw Blaine as someone who helped him, idol worship almost, and needs to grow up and realise no one is like that. People have faults and Kurt also needs to explore the world of New York, get into NYADA, date, get experience and become an adult. But in the end I reckon they will get back together, and when a fan asked Ryan Murphy how he saw Blaine and Kurt, he said 'eternity' and once they have both found themselves and grown up, and embraced who they are, they will be the strongest Glee couple. OK Rant over. Please enjoy the story and feedback would be amazing. Xx

December 2012

Hey Kurt,

Did I anyone tell you I broke into Dalton with some of the guys and rescued our Nationals trophy from last year. Hunter was so annoyed. His a new lead singer for the Warblers, trying to recruit me. I mean I am flattered. He wants my voice. He thinks we can win. Though to be honest when I was lead soloist we never made it past sectionals so I have no idea, why he wanted me. We never make it past that stage. But apparently our voices together will push the edge of the competition. You have no idea how tempted I am to go back there. I was so close to returning, to run for safety and escape my problems and it was the world before I met you, my safe haven they re-built me after the Sadie Hawkins disaster. Hunter made me feel wanted, even though I know it was for my voice only. It was still the buzz I needed. Finn got a bit funny when I started hanging out with him but I can understand why. Sebastian is also their too, but his been knocked from his perch and is currently only singing in the background or duets. He has yet to have a solo this are on speaking terms now. See I was all ready to go, then Sam and me sang a duet. A hero's duet. I suddenly realised I was going to be pushed back into a box if I went back to Dalton, forced to conform and I simply can not stand that idea of that anymore after McKinley has allowed me to openly express myself despite all the set backs plus what would it look like on college applications? I am staying for myself only. Its so great to be able to say that. I am doing it for myself. Honestly I have Marley, Sam and Artie to thank for that. I didn't run from my problems. I stood and faced them. I only wish you had been there to tell me how proud you were of me like after Westside Story.

The only other thing that bothered me about this move was my parents. My parents said that if I returned to Dalton, they would pay for the tuition and support me, then support me going to college as long as I chose something practical to study. They did suggest Music and Buisness management, so its not totally bad. It was tempting. At the moment, I will have to rely on a scholarship being offered, as even with the money I have saved up, plus the money my grandparents left me, it wouldn't be enough to live and study without work. I really could do with some practical advice. Artie actually helped me but it wasn't the same, it wasn't your advice or your words of encouragement. I miss that I really do. In the end like I said, I decided to take a chance and stay at McKinely for the moment. I just hope I don't regret it.

My counsellor thinks we made a break through today. She was very excited. Apparently when we have been going through things, all I talk about is pleasing everyone else, you, mum, dad, the Warblers, New Directions. And I was thinking, well yeah because pleasing those people make me feel happy. But she says she thinks that a cover for me craving attention and praise that I obviously missed from my absent parents when I was a child, hence how tactile and physical I can be. She says I need to do one thing a week to please myself. I have been trying to do it, and its so hard! Everything I did, I was thinking 'Sam will be pleased, or my Nan will be pleased or even you will be pleased' being 'selfish' is such a hard thing to do. Apparently what I did with Eli was one of the few selfish things I have done (How the hell she figured that out I have no idea, in a way it was one of the most selfish things I have done as I ruined two lives) when I did it thinking about myself and no one else, and while it was wrong, it was the event that woke me up to this fact. I still don't forgive myself though. But I did it. It will sound really silly though, I went for a run. During that time I didn't think about pleasing anybody and when I finished I thought 'I feel so much better'. I hadn't realised something so simple could mean so much. So hopefully that will help solve things.

Christmas is upon us again and I can't help but think of last Christmas. How different it was. I got you something. I sent it with the letter. I hope you like it. I know you didn't come back to Ohio for Christmas, and your family celebrated with you in New York. I wish I had been there in some ways. But I had an amazing Christmas. We also helped at that Shelter again and this little girl was so sweet. She liked my scarf so I gave it to her, and her smile Kurt, her smile just blew me away. I need to thank Sam for all this eventually. He really is the most selfless person I know. I spent Christmas with my Aunt, Sam and his family. We had them all over. It was the biggest though coziest Christmas ever. Sam even got me something. He got me some sheet music, so I could continue my song writing and send one of my songs to Julliard next semester. Even Hunter got me a gift. It was a guitar pick with a Warbler bird on it. Along with a note saying 'I am here if you want to reconsider'. I am not going back, but the gesture was nice.

OK I am ending this just before the New Year and this year, I won't have someone to kiss. I hope you are well Kurt and have someone to kiss at midnight or at least tell you next year will be your year. I feel sure of it.

Love as always,

Blaine

Xxx


End file.
